As the league season nears its end, several sides secured titles and promotion. Match reports being uploaded as they come in …
Oxford Hawks 5-0 Men’s 1st XI
We travelled to Oxford Hawks knowing that a win would be enough to relegate Oxford and possibly enough to guarantee safety in Division 1 South. After a bumpier than expected bus journey to Oxford, Old Cranleighans started slowly. Oxford’s nothing to lose attitude showed in their press and they unsettled the OCs midfield and backline early. Unable to build a good footing in the game, the Old Cranleighans conceded from a short corner when Dan Rhodes was adjudged to have purposely played the ball off the back. Buoyed from their goal Hawks continued to apply pressure and eventually went 2-0 up with a well taken back hand into the top corner. The OCs continued to concede goals at bad times when Jack Biggs scored from a well taken PC. After a dubiously awarded short corner for Oxford, goalkeeper Josh Doble was shown a green card for overemphatic protests. Skipper OD stepped in as the GK for the corner but was unable to keep the ball out.
Despite being 4-0 down at the half the OCs fought hard in the second half. Having learned to play through Hawks’ press they created numerous chances and won a good amount of short corners. On another day the score line could have been much closer but a lot of credit must go to Hawks for their performance after running out 5-0 winners. The Old Cranleighans will look to secure survival against a good Bath team next weekend in their final home game of the season.
MoM: James Meers
DoD: Josh Doble
Eastcote 1s 1-3 Ladies 1st XI
Following the shortest warm up in the history of the OCHC (captain: “ladies, just do the bits you need!”) the Ladies 1s got going against Eastcote for our first match since securing promotion. We approached the game a little gingerly in the early minutes, all painfully aware that we were down to a skinny squad of 12 and would all be putting in a hard shift. But we soon took control and set up camp in their half within the first 10 minutes. Steady pressure from the left hand side, as Sam and Emma combined to bamboozle the Eastcote defence, resulted in a neat baseline pass to Laura. She threw her marker, ducked back in from the baseline and flung a cheeky angled flick straight past their keeper. An early goal was just what we needed and the team settled into a good passing rhythm and some great movement off the ball. This time up the right hand side, a baseline run from Lolly and the silky skills of Poppy yielded a good number of chances. The ball was played back to the top of the D where Richie collected, spun her player and looped in a glorious reverse stick hit, finding the roof of the netting. She feigned surprised (“oh my GOD”, she exclaimed) but we took no notice, knowing she’d absolutely 100% meant to do this.
It has to be said we were guilty of sitting back on the oppo a tad after that. We let them back into the game, and an aggressive counterattack followed. They won a short corner and pulled out an annoyingly impressive drag flick routine leaving the score at 2-1 into half time.
We agreed the second half would have to be more decisive. We went straight on the attack and narrowly missed out on a third goal in the early minutes of the second half, with Lolly, Sylvie and Poppy combining to test their goalie. Eastcote showed good resilience however, and did their best to stretch our defence on the counter. This time they did not succeed, Moz surged forward from deep inside our half, finding Ellie who linked beautifully with Lolly who fired in a shot on target. Goalie saved but the ball only got as far as Sam who slotted our third goal home on the rebound.
A solid defensive performance from Alina and Hazel saw us through the final quarter of the game and gave us the structure we needed to stay in control, while Bolu successfully kept their penalty corners at bay. A great team performance and thanks to Ben for taking helm this week. Another 3 points, and the top of the table still within our grasp with two games to go. Bring it on!
Men’s 2nd XI 4-2 Surbiton 3As
Welcome to the most hilarious hockey match report you’ll ever read! The game was between two rival teams, the Ice Queens and the Puckheads. It was a nail-biting match with both teams giving their all, but in the end, the Ice Queens emerged victorious with a score of 4-2. The first goal of the game was scored by none other than Harry Lankfer, who stole the puck from the Puckheads’ defense and gracefully maneuvered it past the goalie. The crowd erupted in cheers as Harry took a victory lap around the rink, blowing kisses to his adoring fans. The second goal was scored by Tom Cooper, who had been practicing his slapshot for weeks. He wound up and let it rip, sending the puck soaring into the top corner of the net. The goalie didn’t stand a chance.
The third goal came from a surprising source – Wils, the team’s water boy who had been called up to play at the last minute. Nobody knew he had such talent, but he proved himself by deking out the defense and sending the puck flying past the stunned goalie. The fourth and final goal was scored by Dan Ladd, who had been on a dry spell for weeks. He had almost given up hope of ever scoring again when suddenly, the puck landed at his feet and he instinctively kicked it into the net. The crowd went wild as Dan did a victory dance, flailing his arms and legs like a drunken octopus.
But not everyone on the team was a hero that day. Liam earned the dubious title of “dick of the day” after accidentally tripping his own teammate and sending him crashing to the ice. Liam tried to apologize, but his teammate was having none of it and promptly punched him in the face. And then there was poor Lawson, who was so bad at hockey that he accidentally scored a goal for the other team. The crowd was in stitches as Lawson hung his head in shame and slunk off the rink.
Overall, it was a hilarious game filled with unexpected twists and turns. The Ice Queens were triumphant, and the Puckheads were left to lick their wounds and practice harder for the next match. Who knows what wacky antics will ensue next time these two teams face off on the ice?
Ladies 2nd XI 5-0 Tulse Hill & Dulwich 3s
Cheam 1s 2-4 Men’s 3rd XI
Dear Diary, We’ve only gone and bloody done it. I’ve been dreaming about writing this entry for a long time now, but to say that we are Champions of London Men’s South Division 3 is a feeling that I’ve not experienced since the first time I shared a beer with Craig Bailey. It just feels so right. Like my whole life up to that point had been building towards it. I have to say though Diary, from earlier on in the week, I was not filled with confidence.
Cheam, our bogey side. Pipped us to the league title last season. Beat us at our place this season. A first of three consecutive “cup finals” standing between the Gentlemen’s XI and glory. I thought that I’d transmitted this level of importance to the lads after the previous game. I knew I hadn’t when Paddy “glass half empty” Harman had to translate it into a message the team would understand, “all our other games this season have been easy lads. The oppo today were sh^t. The next 3 weekends are the only real hockey matches we’ll play this season. Who wants it?”
It seemed to have done the trick.
Will Leslie spotted twice on mid-week lunchtime runs at very different locations in London (not suspicious at all your honour). Raines and Shephard discussing a potential trip to training on Weds eve (why start now lads?). Crofty agreeing to leave his beloved pooch at home alone for more than 2 hours so he could play. These lads definitely want it. Even Donny was asking me if he would be picked for the big game, knowing he’s really a 2s player who would rather be nowhere else than on a pitch with the Gentlemen of Old Cranleighans. With promotion already guaranteed, we had three more games to secure the title, with a four point advantage over London Eds in second. Could this be our time? Alas, the early week enthusiasm soon faded.
From the VIP section of a Madrid “tapas bar”, I watched as my phone filled with messages of illness, childcare issue, train strikes and even forecasted hangovers. In my state of mind, I could not resist a barrage of poorly-worded replies, unlike me and unbecoming of a title-chasing captain. I awoke the next (a few hours later that same) morning regretting some of my replies, but also realising that the squad had somewhat depleted in number, with Jethro and Kent both dripping out. Luckily I could rely on the old guard of Wilson (S&D) and Harman, together with myself, to treat the game with the respect it deserves and get our heads right on Friday pre-game.
As the first pint of Guinness touched my lips at 10.47am on Gold Cup Friday however, I knew that I was in no position to expect any less from the men I call team mates, emphasis on mates. Somewhat safe in the knowledge that we were taking arguably our strongest squad to Cheam the next morning, I ploughed onwards, deeper into the St Patrick’s Day frivolities and hoping that I had the good sense to get myself to bed in good time, ahead of the 2.5hr drive the following morning…. As the day developed however, it seemed I wasn’t the only senior squad member indulging in some potentially premature title celebrations; D Wilson drinking Good Ordinary Claret in Guildford and playing the After Eight Game well after midnight, P Harman drinking MCC Claret in the member’s bar after comprehensively voting to re-instate the Eton v Harrow match to its rightful location, Tim “big time” Blackburn just on a random bender with work on Friday, clearly thinking that London Div 3 South titles come easy…. A new panic hits me. I’ve mentioned it already, but as train strikes are now so commonplace on the Div 3 South circuit Saturdays, I just assumed the lads were capable of navigating their way to Nonsuch High School for Girls on their own. But this is a new squad, who don’t all live on the stretch of the A3 between Clapham Common and Putney. Hardy Jr lives in north London, Richie in East London, “How are you getting to the game lads?”, “Tube to Morden and two buses Skip!”, “Shep is picking us up from the Green Man Skip”, “Rainesy is picking me up Skip”. Panic over, another Guinness please sir. And so to Game Day.
I’ll gloss over the fact that I left Cheltenham at 7am after a 20-pint Friday to get to the game. It garnered no MoM votes so I’ve given up mentioning it. The torrential rain however was not helping the hangover, or the ETA on my sat-nav. Quick pit-stop for a Lucozade, pain au chocolat and the customary Tangfastics for half-time (such a good captain). Arriving at the ground, rain subsiding, and my mood took a turn for the better, seeing the opposition huddled round the gates to the Astro knowing that our lads had commandeered the only changing room on offer. 1nil us. With the rain well and truly finished, and the sun shining on a lovely pitch, the Shep-led half-hearted warm up was given the kick up the proverbial that it needed from Harman and we stepped into gear, with no sign of Blackburn still…
As the game started, I watched with pride from the back as the squad did what they do best, and dominated the opening exchanges, despite half of us being woefully out of shape and hungover. Raines and Leslie bossed the midfield and provided a constant service to the forward line of x2 Wilsons, Ajay, McCarthy and Hardy Jr to terrorise the Cheam defence, who’s only way out was a dubious aerial from a lad that looked like that Sutton United Goalkeeper who ate the pork pie on the bench of an FA Cup game on TV a few years ago. Croft and Harman added great nouse in midfield, rarely looking like the oppo would take the ball off them as we camped ourselves firmly in their half. Croft’s airshot in front of a gaping goal, along with a handful of squandered close-range chances one day might have threatened to let our heads drop. Not this year. Not this team. First short corner, won by D Wilson (still with shades of After Eight on his nose) and finished by D Wilson. Just what we needed and, as Shep would say from 2nd slip for the Jazzy McJazz Hat XI on the outfield of a home counties country estate “One brings two lads…”. A lot of crap comes out of his mouth, but on this occasion, he was right. Blackburn (one of the all-time great January transfers in England Hockey history) finally dusted off his hangover to shell in his 6th goal in 7 games since joining the cause. 2-0 at half time and one of the best halves of hockey we’d played all season. Was it all falling into place at just the right time??
Diary, I’ve played in this 3rd XI for seven seasons now, and I’ve seen all manner of performance over those years. We’ve used the term “that’s so 3s” a lot this year, which can have a range of meanings. A few years ago, I would have described it as, “dominating an inferior opposition all day, being up at half time and coasting, only to end up drawing the game 5-all.” However, that mantra seems to have shifted onto our 2nd XI this season….and the 3s I’ve build this year are clinical and capable of killing games off from this position. And so at half-time, there wasn’t much for me to say. There wasn’t much for anyone to say. Even Blackburn, so often the most vocal (most confusing) at these moments, just sat and re-fuelled on Haribo. I left it to Lieutenant Harman to land the key message as I know how well he can, “Lads, I’ve called us all sh*t this season, at various points. That half was not sh*t, but it will mean nothing if this next half is. Let’s kill this game off.”
I’ve often wondered if people look at my bromance with Craig Bailey the way I look at the bromance between Harman and D Wilson, forged in the dormitories of Cranleigh Prep School and strong enough to survive Wilson’s later acquaintance with an England front-row forward who remarkably gives Wils his stash that somehow fits them both perfectly. Anyway, Wils was keen to deliver for his old mate, and promptly went out after the break and banged in his two best drag-flicks of the season (bar isn’t high I’ll admit). 4-nil up with 20 to play. Raines purring in midfield, Richie firing balls into the corner for the sprogs to run onto, Shep and Skip flinging it between themselves at the back with time in between for Shep to call his opposite man (also called Shep) a “real badger”.
The state of the game was clearly grating on Cheam, who could not fathom how the team they bested twice last season were so far ahead of them this season. I don’t know much about their club, but they need someone like Cato “Edu” Choi to run their transfer policy because the names we’ve brought in this season have propelled us from a good team to a great team. Anyway, Cheam’s frustration boiled over and tempers flared. Hardy Jr and Wilson Jr both involved in clashes with that Sutton United goalkeeper. A few niggles amongst the Gents XI briefly let our levels drop and Cheam burgled a consolation goal to spoil Rossko’s quiet day out. Sensing a Spursy moment coming, we had to play smart, get the ball back down the other end, sensibly. Blackburn and Richie both trying aerials off the wrong foot on the move is not sensible, but So 3s. Whilst unable to add to our four goals, Wils had his hat-trick and promptly stopped trying and a second Cheam goal came after someone pushed me over in the D and I knocked the ball past Rossko’s incoming foot. Not ideal, but no matter. Final whistle, 4-2 to the Gentlemen. And then we waited.
Sitting in the Cheam Sports Club bar drinking lager shandies (train strike, everyone driving) and eating Cauliflower Curry, we quickly looked at GMS to work out what the permutations were. Eds play Spencer at 11.30 so their result should be in just after 1pm. If they lose, the title is ours with two games to spare. They won’t lose. They’re a good side. Let’s get home lads and win next week for the title. “Not without voting Skip!” This should have been one of the toughest voting games of the season. Stand-out performances across the pitch, and no one putting a foot wrong, except Rossko, who forgot his stick…. However, early on it was clear that Shep had been canvassing votes in the car ride to the game and when Shep canvasses votes, it’s in order to ensure no one votes for him. And so I watched and listened with resignation as the unimaginative bunch of lads I’ve brought together, nurtured, counselled and provided for voted for me one by one for D of the Day. No mention of the heroic effort I’d made to get to the game on time, in nick and play a full 70. Nope. Just that I scored an own goal. I remember when the votes were for non-hockey reasons but we now have such a SA bias, that it’s all about performance. I was also surprised that Wils got MoM again this week. Yes he scored a hat-trick but, other than that, Rainesy was by far our best player today. That poor Cheam midfielder who clearly thought he was the best thing since sliced biltong couldn’t lay a finger on Raines today. But as I said, the lads’ imagination doesn’t stretch far. En route home through the delight that is the London Borough of Merton, a call from Lt Harman comes through, “it’s happened…they lost…we’ve done it….” “What?! So….” “Yep. We’re heading to the pub. Coat & Badge, you know the drill.”
And there it was. Crowned league champions with two games to spare whilst sat in traffic outside the big Saino’s in Colliers Wood (you know the one, traffic system is awful). I would have said what an anti-climax, not to have taken it to the last weekend versus Eds and won it at their place, but this somehow felt more satisfying. Not even giving them a real chance to win the league and then just carrying on with our weekends like the socialites that we are. As we filtered out into the night, no one mentioned how they’d won the league earlier that day. The general public just don’t get it Diary. They’ve not been on the Surrey/Hants/South Hockey circuit like we have. They’ve no idea how hard it is to win a title. But we know, and we will celebrate, and we will go again. Two games to go versus 3rd and 2nd. Wouldn’t it be nice to finish the season 10 points clear?????
I’ll check in again soon I’m sure Diary. The lads will find some reason not to vote for me for MoM. Shep’s probably already chatting to his Padel mates and working out the scheme. Until then, I hope I’ve done you proud. (Max Arthur)
Ladies 3rd XI 1-0 Spencer Saphires
Looking and expecting a win, especially as most of the Spencer players didn’t look like they had much speed on their side and we had plenty. The start chat was to move the ball up to the forwards early and let them do the running, with Jess holding CM and switching the ball early Bethan made several really good runs and put the ball across the D with Yasmine just, frustratingly missing getting the touch but all looking promising. Spencer were playing with at least one high player and did get the ball through so a one on one at the top of the D resulted in a save off the pads. Definitely important as it could have given Spencer the belief they could do more. Twenty mins in and the ball pops up and catches Erin on the forehead, Caitlin takes up at the back, which is not a usual position for her but rose to the challenge. We get to half time 0-0.
Looking to increase our effort to give us the edge we finally managed to work the ball over to the left for Yasmine to take in the D and flick the ball over the shoulder of the keeper, top right of the net. Spencer, keeping up the fight to try and salvage some points but all efforts come to nothing and another win for the fab 3’s.
Goals: Yasmine 1.
POM Bethan
Surbiton Cobras 0-6 men’s 4th XI
One by one the dominoes are falling over. First the ladies 1s, second Stormers, third the 3s and now the 4s as league titles and promotion are secured by all four. 3s and Stormers have their crowns whilst the ladies and the 4s each have two games left to try and win theirs. Warriors areon the verge and the 2s are still very much in with a shout as three points separate the top five with their games against two of the other title chasers. Heady stuff.
Guyser took the sensible step of bringing his children already dressed ready for bed to avoid a repetition of the trials and tribulations of last Thursday evening as they looked after a tense Denton whose presence in turn makes the Surbiton bar and ground staff agitated. Only one winner in the agitation stakes which was replicated on pitch 1 at Sugden Road. Pitch 2 saw Surbiton 5s v Sparticans and the end result at 18.00 was us and their 5s promoted with two games to go. Well done Surbiton 5s who were very complimentary on our gaining promotion too.
Fair to say that after the Lord Mayor’s show on Thursday night when we were flipping good came the pony poop of a performance against a pretty poor Cobras team. An early deft finish from Jake and a ripping corner from Ben put us two up that was followed by everyone trying to do it themselves. Two late first half goals from the same scorers gave us a four-goal advantage when we went back to playing a better team game.
Our second half was much better and but for an inspired performance from their keeper we would have scored a hatful but as it was Brandon added one , following a pinball game against the keeper, on the 4th attempt in four seconds and Ben added his third to complete his hat-trick. We need four points from our last two games to definitely win the league but do travel to The Harris Academy to play Merton 2s on Saturday where their results have been considerably better than their away form and on a pitch where we have never won. A wonderful season rushing to a close but one that we want to end with two wins to enable the oversized lady to belt out her song from TD on the 1st April.
Goals:- Ben S 3, Jake 2 and Brandon. (David Knapp)
PHC Chiswick 4s 1-3 Ladies 4th XI
It was a rainy long drive to our away game against Chiswick 4s. With only 11 players and no subs it was going to be a challenge. We started strong with a great cross into the D by Ailsa allowing Poppy to score the first goal 15 minutes in. Our next goal was a great team effort on a short corner where Paula struck at goal, with Bella, Poppy touching it and finally Ailsa tapping it into the goal. Just before half time, Chiswick scored a long slap into the far corner taking the score to 2-1. We continued to stay strong in the second half even with no subs! And upped the score with a third goal from Ailsa with an amazing reverse flick into the goal. PoM went to Ailsa and others mentioned in the vote were Poppy, Bella , Colleen & Carolina. A great team effort. (Poppy Protasiuk)
Tulse Hill 2-6 Stormers
Having recently travelled from the South of France to a game in Mill Hill, I can confirm that such a journey is more pleasurable than wrestling with Clapham Junction at 2pm on a Saturday.
Be that as it may, the Stormers travelled to Tulse Hill for their last league fixture of the season. Whilst, in theory, little was riding on this game (Stormers having already won the league) it was important for the Stromers to end on a high after a couple of poor results. As is customery, Goalie managed to sneak in a 65 swear words into a 2 minute team talk and the Stormers were ready.
Tulse Hill needed a win to stay in the league and started well putting pressure on the Stormers’ defence. However, following a decent break by CB, Cato sprang forward to get on the end of a cross. 1-0. The game then followed a reasonably chaotic form for the next 20 mins with both teams creating lots of chances. At 3-1 up, Cato decided to turn on the style for the 3 people who had been dragged along to watch. Cato beat the goalie not once, not twice, but thrice. With the crowd roaring Cato turned on the style by reverse flicking the ball passed the hapless goaly into an empty net. Whilst he wheeled off to take his shirt off for the inevitable celebration it became apparent that the ball had actually gone wide- a decent effort nonetheless. The Stormers headed into half time 3 2 up. Following some oranges, the Stormers turned on the style scoring 6 second half goals. Sadly, only 4 of them were allowed (bizarrely at times) and the Stormers won. 6-2.
In a half full of highlights, in the dying moments, Goose took it upon himself to try and score a through the legs ‘squeeze’. As he ran off to the corner to take his shirt off like Cato, he turned to see the ball unmoved where he had left it. In the end it mattered not. Some great goals from CB, Cato, Andy and JJ however the most pleasing thing was a cracking defensive display – with no corners conceded. The Stormers now head off for the summer break to Ibiza, Dubai, Butlins Minehead etc safe in the knowledge that they are worthy league winners. Well done one and all. And in particular Goalie for the admin.
MOM – CB
DOD – Goose (Will Naylor)
Goal Scorers – CB x 2, Cato, JJ and Andy a goal each
Ladies 5th XI 3-0 Cheam 3s
Our last league game saw us in second place and taking on a Cheam side who looked well prepared and up for it! The first half started well with plenty of pressure on the opposition’s defence. The forwards peppered the Cheam goal but the ball just would not go in the net. The posts made as many saves as their goalie! Even our well worked short corners failed to break the deadlock and the result was the same at half time as when we started.
The second half saw Cheam up the ante and have several chances of their own. Luckily our defence was soild and we withstood their advances. Then it all changed. Lovisa managed to squeak in a goal from a very tight angle which provided the impetus to maintain a concerted attack. Tash scored a second from a short corner and then Jenny added a third with some great attacking play. Cheam rallied a little but did not really bother our keeper too much. So a 3-0 win and second place in the league. Well done to all our players who have been part of a great season and thank you to all those who have umpired too.
MOM: Jenny Ripley
Warriors 4-0 NPL2s
Normal People would think that this game should have been easy with Warriors top of the table and NPL2 second bottom, but with several regular experienced Warriors missing In the Line of Duty, Stranger Things could happen and we couldn’t get Lost in complacency. The answer was to throw a few of The Young Ones into The Thick of It. Clearly Orange is the new Black as NPL’s shirts clashed with our own sleeves, so the first result of the day was to get them to wear yellow bibs.
On to the Match of the Day, the team started in Top Gear with Jonty connecting to an aerial pass from Harry in the D that narrowly missed and would have made it one nil in the opening minute. Rob then made some great runs down The West Wing and we had our first short corner. In the past, we haven’t been overly successful with our shorts, but today was no Muppet Show, Breaking Bad habits every thing worked as planned, and a slick lay off from Harry at the top off the D to James teed him up for his first goal of the day. Happy Days. The rest of the half the team ran around like Mad Men, but despite the majority of possession, couldn’t find another.
Despite only being one up, we went into the second half with a lot of confidence and we Outnumbered NPL in every position. Soon after the break we scored from our second short with Harry this time passing to Luke who scored his first senior goal for OCs deflecting off their diving keeper. Next up was a Mighty Boosh of a goal from James in free play at the top of the D, followed by The Late, Late Show short corner routine with saw Harry repeat the first goal with James earning his first hattrick of the season.
So no Catastrophe and TD remains our Happy Valley. Warriors are still Living the Dream of promotion. Two big games to go but with Barnes only behind us on goal difference, it will go down to The Wire. (Adrian White. Who clearly needs help)
Goals: James Hudson 3, Luke Burnett 1
MotM: James Hudson