Men’s 3rd XI 8-1 Bank of England
The big fat lady has now sung her aria following 7 months of toil and reward for our illustrious 3s who end their 4 successive championship winning season with a big fat zero in the “lost” column. Unbeaten seasons in one’s career are as rare as a Farqs league goal. Sorry, that should read an unbeaten season in one’s career is “nearly” as rare as a Farqs league goal as I have been involved in 2 unbeaten seasons in my career.
As we motor through the leagues we are like a shoal of piranhas swimming up stream in the Amazon closing in inexorably on our prey as we are now but 2 leagues off the 2s.
Our last game was one of a number of firsts for 2018. The sun was shining, we were at a club that had better facilities than TD and four supporters arrived before the start with the number more than doubling by the end to 9. Our “supporting ladies and girlfriends” as opposed to wives and girlfriends ( WAGS) were supplemented in number by Cato, Herdy and their offspring, the former two still smarting at being found out last week as the 2 in the 3s who were bumping up the average age of the 3s. Having refused to play for the 3s they went to Streatham to play for the Barnies. The Barnies won and also secured promotion. John Terry like Cato and Herdy claimed their spot in the team photo.
Once again we had 9 Old Cranleighans in the squad and soon set about demolishing Bank of Boks. As the presence of the unfamiliar shining orb graced us from the start, Hunts bald pate, we soon tucked into the last hurdle in our unblemished season. 90 seconds into the game their centre half lost his sense of humour, if he ever had one, complaining that Ross should be throwing the ball back to allow them a free hit before our defence was set. Nothing more needed to be said to illustrate who was top and who was bottom. Lewi, Knappy and Eds with 2 put us 4 up by half time even though we had our usual 15 minutes of playing dross.
Coops 2, Eds and Langers added our remaining goals during which time we leaked one. Coops’ first goal was fittingly the 100th goal of our league season as he whipped home a reverse stick shot from the top of the D that clipped the back board amongst the cries of “get it strong”. Insults were traded between the teams, their centre back suggesting to Knappy he had lost his pace with ” I doubt you were born with a 42 inch waist and boobs” being the retort.
Once again the best was left to last. Ports, desperate to score, was shoved up front with 10 minutes to go. 4 chances later he was there, on the end of a cross from Lewi, on his knees to force the ball home and claim that elusive goal. Cue a celebration as vigorous as Blessing Oborududa’s celebration in the 68kg women’s freestyle wrestling at The Commonwealth Games on The Gold Coast followed 2 seconds later by a reaction just like Danielle Lappage’s who had lost the final to Oborududa.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/commonwealth-games/43754405
The umpires had consulted and decided the ball had not moved 5 metres before being put into the D. They were correct, it had moved 7 metres. We were then treated to another of Ports impassioned pleas, a top way to end the playing season 2 league appointed umpires meant no extortion based cards being brandished and so no pitch fund raising today.
At the end of the game Iris was overheard as saying “Eds had his usual 2 inch special today” and although it could have been because Kiki is still in Holland I think she meant Eds first goal.
All that remained was a terrace in the sun for our tea, the volume of which had definitely reduced in size since our last visit to Bank Lane in the days of Mervyn King when interest rates were at 10%. Evidence if any were needed that deflation had seriously affected all that goes on at the Bank of England. Fair to say they are helped by their Stasi general in charge of the chip allocation. Sadly there are clearly serious problems at the Bank Lane headquarters when reading the sign on the wall in the showers “Use of mobile phone cameras and any other cameras are prohibited in the showers”. At least they are taking matters seriously unlike every other club I have ever played at.
As we head off into summer a big thanks to Herr Oberfuhrer Eds who ensured, with the precision of a Panzer commander, that we had at least 13 at every game to be able to continue our occupation of the Surrey league top spot position of the 4 leagues conquered to date. He ended up as top goal scorer to boot with an impressive 31 in the bag, our own Harry Kane. A big thanks also to Martin and Virgilofikova who ensured we were always well behaved.
The 4th XI polished off a long season with a deserved 1-0 win over Leatherhead despite goalkeeper Nigel Hawes turning up shortly before half-time after a bike malfunction as he prepared for his ride to Amsterdam.